Strengthening the Christian Family

Sermon preached at Gospel Light Christian Church, Singapore
by Pastor Dr Paul Choo
on 23 January 2005

Introduction: From next Sunday we change the format of our Sunday sermons, from topical sermons to verse by verse expositional sermons. Before I preach expositionally, I want to deal with a vital topic, namely, the Christian family.

The first human institution that God created was the family. He created families to be the basic unit of society. Human society is not a society with families but a society of families. GLCC is not a church with spiritual families but a church of spiritual families.

Satan knows that the best way to destroy societies (and the church) is to attack the family. And he has been focusing his attack on the family from the very beginning. In these Last Days, we are feeling the accumulated impact of his attacks, eg. absent fathers, broken homes, common law marriages, same sex marriages.

God created things with a specific design, eg. an oxygen molecule, the solar system, a coconut tree, a pig. Satan knows that whenever the design is disturbed then that thing cannot work properly. Satan also knows that the best place to attack is the “head.”

Headless Families: The Bible tells us, in the clearest passage on the marriage bond, that “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). This passage also clearly teaches us that God appointed fathers (with their wives’ assistance) to be the ones to train their children (“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” Ephesians 6:4).

In most cases, marriage relationships between husbands and wives are fairly good until there are children. From this point, a gradual separation begins. The mother gradually becomes responsible for caring and bringing up the child, as the father gradually relinquishes his responsibility. In other words, there is specialization of roles – the mother is in charge of the child, while the father focuses on his career. This segregation of roles suits most husbands. Firstly, because the paternal instinct has been greatly weakened after the Fall of Man. Secondly, because the work-place is more glamorous, has more predictable working hours and better working conditions and produces more visible results. Thirdly, our role models practiced segregation. Fourthly, the church prefers to preach on more “spiritual topics” rather than marriage.

The degree of specialization varies from family to family. In some families, there is a degree of overlap and in other families there is almost none. In most cases, the husband is no more the head of the wife, nor the one who is responsible for training his children. Under these circumstances, there is little meaningful communication between the father and his children. Communication builds relationships, not a common surname or DNA pool.

Helpless Wives: The Bible teaches that “the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). However, as the husbands are expected to focus on their careers and leave their wives to take care of the family, the wives are left “headless.” God had designed a husband-wife partnership for success but Satan has successfully destroyed this partnership. The wife, whom God did not design to be the sole person responsible for the many daily and long-term decisions involved in training a child, is expected to do so. And though she is not created to single-handedly do this difficult task, she is expected to “produce the results”! Furthermore, the results (eg. weight, height, health, appetite, sporting abilities, academic abilities) that she is expected (often self-imposed) to achieve are also unrealistic because they are pegged against other children, rather than the child’s own potential. These conditions produce insecure, panicky mothers who shout and scream at their children to get results. This task is even more pressing when her husband succeeds in his career (which is easier to do, then to bring up children!). Such mothers are under so much stress that they cease being good wives to their husbands. In fact, after the children come, many become full-time mothers. In strict Confucian societies, a good wife is one who produces good children. Mistresses or concubines are expected to provide “wifely” companionship.

Bitter Children: A shouting, screaming mother who is determined to match her husband’s “success” with her children is likely to produce bitter children. Many parents believe that their children are doing fine because bitterness does not usually become very evident until teenage years. After receiving years of shouting and screaming, teenagers respond by rebellion (passive or active) to revenge the hurts (and perceived hurts) that they have received (though are often not aware that this is the reason for their rebellion). Bitterness is very destructive (Hebrews 12:15). There can be little meaningful dialogue between mother and child after years of shouting and screaming.

Conclusion: Every thing begins with the head. Therefore, Christian fathers must take the steps to be heads of their families. Then wives must be partners of their husbands first (rather than mothers of their children). And then children must not be bitter against their parents (Hebrews 12:15). All this is easier said than done.

However, we can each fulfill our responsibilities when we are God-centered. Fathers must trust that when God gives them families, He will enable them to provide for them while at the same time enabling them to train their children, in partnership with their wives. Parents must realize that the children that God gives to them are God’s not theirs – and if they are God’s then, they can trust Him to enable them to be good stewards and to take care of His own children! Children must trust that God can guide their parents and pray for their parents.